One of the practices often associated with Tantra is Polyamory or Responsible Non-Monogamy.  People who are drawn to the sacred sexuality practices of Tantra also participate in some form of non-monogamous lifestyle like Polyamory.  If you have read my posts on Sacred Group Sex or Sacred Bisexuality you would be well aware that non-monogamous sexual practices have been part of Tantra for centuries.  While I am not going to expound on the intricacies of non-monogamous Tantric sex here (I’ll save that for another day) I will share with you the events that led me to the realization that I was non-monogamous.

Like most everyone else I was raised with the idea that the only type of sexual relationship permissible is a heterosexual monogamous one.  Oh there were those Gays and Lesbians, but we were told they were a bunch of freaks and gay sex was completely unnatural.  Monogamy was supposed to be the only way to go.  After all when I looked around everyone I saw was in a heterosexual monogamous relationship.  Hey it was the 1980’s and I was living in the boonies!  Despite all this monogamy talk I still hoped to sow my oats before I had to devote myself to an eternity of monogamy.

When I cast my mind back to my early days most of my sexual fantasies revolved around one on one encounters with women.  There were of course lots of Female-Male-Female (FMF) or FFMF fantasies about but those usually revolved around lots of wild partying and alcohol….pretty spontaneous stuff.  I just could not conceive how an encounter like that could be organized or set up.  And even if I really wanted to do something like this I had no idea how I could suggest it to my partner.

What I want to talk about here is a relationship I had in the mid 1990s that gave me some great insights into myself and non-monogamy.  Back in 1994-95 I was in a relationship with Stephanie (not her real name).  Stephanie is a very sensual, passionate and sexual woman. Stephanie had a Maltese background giving her a very sultry and sexy appearance.  She was definitely exotic with lots of sex appeal.  On top of that she was very smart and knew how to get her way with the guys.  Stephanie always kept lots of male friends around; she just plain enjoyed their company.  Stephanie was an expert at creating chemistry and generating polarity in a relationship.  There was never a dull moment; she knew how to keep you engaged with lots of passion and drama.  Like I said, Stephanie had lots of sex appeal and she knew how to use it.  It is no wonder she always had a herd of guys beating a path to her doorway.

Considering all the competition I faced I managed to more or less have an exclusive relationship (I’ll explain in a moment) with this sex fiend for just over a year.  Looking back I think that must have been some kind of record for her at the time.  As I already mentioned, Stephanie had lots of male friends.  She was always open about what was going on and she would readily share with me stories about the many propositions she would get from them.   Sometimes she would worry that I might get jealous or feel insecure from all the attention she got.   This did not concern me much as I never felt jealous or insecure about it. In fact I loved it! I was thrilled to be going out with a very hot and exotic woman who was obviously in such high demand.  Some men might feel very threatened by her flirting antics.  Not me, I saw this as a big plus.

At this point in my life I was the recipient rather than the initiator of anything that I would consider sexually edgy.  Stephanie was exposing me to a whole new world of intense sexuality and I was taking it all in as fast I could.  Stephanie always had interesting surprises for me.  There were two or three occasions where Stephanie would describe to me conversations she had with male friends who had either talked about or suggested participating in group sex.  What a marvelous idea I thought!  Where do I sign up?

Unfortunately, I had no idea how to discuss such things in any meaningful way.  At the time I thought she was just making interesting conversation….she was always very open.  It is possible that she might have been inserting the topic into the conversation to see how I would react.  But at the time I did not believe this to be case.      Of course the obvious thing I should have done is  ask her if she was interested in group sex.  But that idea just never occurred to me……ahh the joys of being young and clueless!

Stephanie’s was also known for her impulsiveness which sometimes created problems in our relationship.  Let me elaborate.   Stephanie was close to one male friend in particular who also happened to be an old boyfriend.  I can’t remember what his name was so I’ll call him Bob.  She would see Bob quite regularly for lunches and coffee.   Stephanie was always open to me about these meetings.  But after one meeting she told me that she had to share something that was tearing her up inside.  Stephanie then confessed to me that she had sex with Bob and described the encounter as a purely impulsive act.  She had impulse to jump his bone and acted on it.  Knowing her well enough at that time I believed her!

So how did I react?  I was dumbfounded; I did not know what to say.  My cultural programming told me that cheating is bad, monogamy is good and I should be very upset and mad at her.  But deep down I was actually turned on by the whole thing.  I really liked the idea that she fucked her friend’s brains out.  At that time I had no clue what Swinging, Polyamory or other alternative relationships were.  I did not know that people could have open relationships.  Given the only model I had to go by was monogamy I really did not know how to talk about what I was feeling or possibly changing the nature of our relationship

Since I did not know how to talk about these things I resorted to the old reliable (good ole monogamy) and feigned being upset instead.  Just brilliant…Not!  I told her I was disappointed and I was really upset with her…yada yada yada.  But of course my true feelings did not match my words.  I am sure she sensed that as we ended up having some pretty amazing makeup sex shortly afterwards!

This incident made me realize that I did not believe in a monogamous relationship and I was open to the idea of some kind of non-monogamous relationship (whatever that may be).  Unfortunately, I did not know how to verbalize these new insights to other.  Are you beginning to see a theme here?  I just did not have the language developed to be able to talk about things.  And to a certain degree neither did Stephanie as neither of us discussed the incident again.

Eventually we both moved on with our lives in separate directions but the lessons I learned were never forgotten.  Deep down I knew my truth.  Now I had to own that truth and confidentially communicate it to others.  That is a very scary thing to do considering most women profess monogamy to be the be all and end all of relationships.  One of the main challenges I would face in relationships for the next 10 years is figuring out how to effectively communicate that truth.  I did eventually succeed but my success was not without its challenges.  I made lots of mistakes along the way and created moments of considerable turmoil in my relationships.  But the end result is definitely worth it. I now have an amazing open relationship with my gorgeous wife Rhianna.

Do you own your truth?